Fuxk eczema!!! Have you ever gone through sleepless nights due to itchy patches throughout your body? In my case on my face. Have you experienced bullying because of your skin or how you look because of your skin? Have you ever just wanted to end your life because you just can’t take it anymore? And it feels as though that's the answer because they say Rest In Peace.
Well I can tell you it is not the answer! If you have felt this way, you get it. If not continue reading on so that you have a better understanding of the frustration towards eczema or any Autoimmune disease. I want you to understand what mental damage my skin disorder has caused because of not keeping the flare ups under control. It was fall of 2003. I was 11 years old and these new roll on lip glosses came out.
Of course I wanted glossy lips so I asked my mother to please buy a few for me. Little did I know I was about to open a can of worms. Between the weather change and me constantly putting lip gloss on. I shortly began developing a rash around my mouth. My friends suggested it was the lip-gloss and that I should stop using them. My mother purchased vaseline for home, and carmex, chapstick for on the go.
I wish I could of had the vaseline with me at all times. The issue weren't just my lips, it was also around my mouth. I would lick around my mouth to moisturize when it dried out. It was itchy as fuxk. So I scratched the hell out of it with the sleeves of my sweater. WORST THING I COULD EVER DO TO MYSELF. The other kids began picking on me saying I was a ugly bitxh, that I have herpes or some sort of STD and that I was a hoe. These were 7th grade kids saying not just disgusting things but also hurtful things that would open the door to mental health issues.
I would go home every single day sad and so hurt. I would sit alone in my room staring at myself asking why me. God why me? What did I do to deserve this pain, illness, life? I would cry staring at myself in the mirror trying to find the beauty within. Because only God knew I couldn’t see it on the outside. To top it off these were times where I couldn't google WTF STDs were. My mother knew I was hurting, just not how deep. Neither did anyone else in my family. No one knew how deep the pain was in middle school. It was so bad I wanted to kill myself. I tried to kill myself.
Clearly I never went through with it because I would think of my mother, my family and how they would feel if I was no longer was around. The impact that they would go through because of me. I wanted to be selfish. I never told anyone how eczema was making me feel. My mother took me to my pediatrician who then referred me to a dermatologist. Even still the medication they prescribed would only work temporarily. After a few years of going through countless over the counter and prescribed medication. The dermatologist gave in and requested my pediatrician send me to an allergy specialist.
Why didn't they do that first well because of the way the disorder came about they didn’t think it was allergy related, they thought more asthma related. FYI my asthma has always been under control. I ended up finding out what I am allergic to. I am highly allergic to mold, mildew, dust, roaches, and cat dander. Minor allergies to seasonal pollen, and dog dander. No food allergies. After finding out what I was allergic to my mother and I did the best we could to eliminate the allergies but still elimination wasn’t working.
At first it was around my mouth and mildly on my hands, but as time passed it began to spread. In 2017 it developed on the back and around my neck, both elbow crease, both hands, behind the back of my knees and on my upper thighs. I still have my moments where I wish I didn’t have to live with this. I wish I didn’t live at all, but I have 2 daughters now who need their mother. Who need their mother to be strong and healthy. I am not allowed to be that selfish.
I never thought growing up this autoimmune disease would be where it all started. For those of you who do not know what eczema is let me tell you how I now know eczema. It is a reaction from your body letting you know something is not right. Here is where it gets tricky. What could have cause "triggered" this reaction. Was it something you digested? Was it something that came into contact with your skin? Is it the weather? Are you ok? Do you feel stressed, anxious, or depressed. If so it could be a reason for it to trigger.
There is a lot that can trigger eczema. The only way to know for sure are a multiple of things. I ask you click here to be taken to the Plan of action post to have further knowledge of what those things are.
Over the years I have slowly changed my diet but of course I'm human and don't always comply. Well no more! This year starting 2018 and for the rest of ever I will keep my diet. It will be an enormous challenge to officially eliminate fast food and to find healthier ways to cook, bake and have snacks. Although I have to say I have done amazing with baking poultry meals. My struggle is incorporating fresh fruit and veggies daily. I'm lucky to say I have amazing pediatricians for my girls. Insider I use to work with them. One of the providers of the group made a packet of a healthy grocery list. That's what I have been relying on like my iPhone for shopping!
I hope this post shines an enormous light on eczema and other autoimmune disease alike. I hope that you understand now why some people with skin disorder end up suicidal. Any disease takes you there and not by choice, I can guarantee you that. I fight depression and anxiety everyday. I can honestly say because of eczema I had thought I was never good enough. But honestly I surprise myself everyday. I push down all the negative thoughts and presumptions of what others think of how my skin looks. I am slowly but surely finally believing in me again and loving myself in my own skin. I do believe one day I will have this under control. I finally believe that!
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